Whatever
10/31/2023
Happy Halloween! Except for me, I had yet another 8hr shift that I just came home from. I have two days off in a row after... I really worked 5 days in a row... I never mentioned what I'm set to do at work, because I feel like it's not relevant! But next week's schedule came in today and it's more of the same... the breaks are spaced out at least.
When the flood leaked into my house a little days ago, I had to clean off my desk so I could move it. I wanted to finish my WIPs I'm working on, but I'm also wondering if I should dig through my room to find my consoles.
I'm not going to air out IRL things involving other people, but my sister has been going through health issues. It's funny how days ago I blew off getting my license because my sister owns the car, but she's not really fit to drive it. Would it really be so bad if I used it? I'm just terrified of other people on the road and having my family pry into where I go... My mom is less nosy than she used to be, but my family notices I don't talk to or open up much...
Cut my life into pieces
10/29/2023
I came home from work 1hr 30min ago. I am laying in bed exhausted as the clock hits midnight. 3 more days of this.
No, it's not as bad as earlier this year. But the manager I hate closed and I was so close to losing my shit at her as usual. A coworker is taking vacation this week (it's Sunday, so it's a new week) - good for him, right - but combined with the one who pulled a "no call, no show" last week I have to pick up slack. The good news is that my boss changed my schedule slightly, so my shift tonight is a lot shorter. This means I can sleep in slightly and save money because I don't have to Uber...
Yeah, on top of a duct tape house, my household shares a car. Lovely. I wanted to try getting my license again next year, but my sister owns the car so I could only do so much with it. I'm honestly terrified of driving and wish public transport was an option. Why the fuck did the driving school I went to when I was 21 make us watch Red Asphalt?! (Or was I 22? Look at how I wasted the 2010s!) Oops, I went off track.
But after tonight, I have 2 more 8hr shifts. With how badly I handled tonight and Friday, you better hope my least favorite manager doesn't close again. My mom complained earlier this year how every other thing I said about work was bitching about her!
JFC
10/28/2023
I hate this fucking house.
The garage flooded several times yesterday, I thought it wouldn't get any worse but last night/this morning I was woken up several times by flash flood alerts from my phone. I get out of bed, and some water leaked from the garage in my room. This isn't even the first time this has happened, 4 years ago my room flooded and I had to remove the carpet. This house I've lived in for over 20 years is held by duct tape with so many things broken (washing machine, kitchen sink, fence, we used to have 2 bathrooms but the pipes are damaged on the 2nd as of 14 years ago...). How the fuck do I live with this now that I mostly exited severe dissociation? Well I don't really have an alternative! I don't talk to people about these problems because the right answer would be "just move" but a large paycheck can't even afford rent in a shitty apartment. A shitty house is better than none...
My mom has to miss work over this, but I can't because I have 8 hour shifts every day until November. The paycheck will be worth it, but with how this came out of nowhere I can't get my hopes up.
tfw
10/27/2028
My position changed at work over a month ago and I preferred it immensely over my previous one. I actually started liking waking up at 4:30-4:45 AM and going in hours before we open, and leaving by noon/early afternoon. Well, one of the guys who was hired to replace my previous position (that I'm frankly not great at and the managers know that LOL) has done a "no call, no show" all this week so my schedule was flipped around to replace him. I have 8 hour shifts today and tomorrow, and I don't even know what next week will be like until I go in this afternoon because it depends on if the other replacement guy comes in.
Hey, at least having multiple 8 hour shifts in a week pays well. This summer I was scheduled to work 8 days in a row, and 6 of them were full shifts. I have a paid vacation next month and I put money aside from the paycheck I got this week to pay off my November bills early. I've been employed for 3 years now and never took a vacation until now*, because I figured I would just sit at home depressed. But the vacation I requested is right after my next paycheck, so I should have money to go out and do things.
I wonder what my 20s self who was a heavily dissociated NEET would think of reading this shit. It's really not that bad.
* I actually requested a vacation earlier this year to go to a convention I haven't visited in a decade, but I had to cancel it because I got covid and missed 2 weeks of work. Womp womp. I also requested a specific day off 2 years ago for a con, and I ended up getting injured the day before and spent that day at the hospital instead. (They didn't even treat me.) Yeah, so that's the other reason why I tend to not request these things. If something gets in the way of this vacation in a few weeks I'm going to lose my fucking mind.
First entry
10/26/23
I've been brainstorming something. In 2022, I cut out a ton of my phone usage. This year, I've cut out a lot of social media usage too and have been focusing more on tending to this site. What I want to do next year is try to cut computer usage, but I'm still figuring out how I'm going to do that. The elephant in the room when it comes to internet/phone/social media (etc.) addiction is it's a matter of unmet needs in your life. This year alone I had multiple suicidal moments of feeling trapped where I am (can't move, can't afford my own car, don't have much to do besides work and gym if the stars align). The issue is I don't know what I would do instead of computer.
When I was a teenager, it felt like I had all the free time to tend to my hobbies alone even with school, despite the internet being a bandaid presence in my life. I played games, I drew, I wrote weird essays and reviews in private, etc. The main thing I want to do is at least be able to play games and watch shows/movies again, but I uh... don't have cable anymore! Watching things or playing games on my PC is a crapshoot because I can do several things at once on it, it's why computers are a timesink and even when cutting out social media I don't accomplish much on that end. So these are my options for now. I can unplug my PC and set up one of my two consoles: my PS2 or my Wii - yes, the other L besides not having cable is I don't own a recent console either!!!! My Switch model is a Lite and thus perma-handheld, I literally play it at work. I used to love and prefer handhelds, but the way my attention span has been wrecked in the last 5+ years make playing my Switch Lite more and 3ds a no-go (for now). Anyway, there are pros and cons to both of these.
The pro to the PS2 is my small game library is good (my physical copy of Tail Concerto is still my prized possession), and it can play DVDs. The con is that the model I own is too difficult to wrap my head around modding (I did a deep dive into this years ago and came to the conclusion I can't, IIRC it's those models you need to hardmod), and stores around that resell PS1+2 games spike the prices ridiculously. DVDs are cheap now, but some actually good old games aren't. I have so many horror stories about those shitty ass geek stores what sell overpriced old games in the last 13+ years. They will give you nothing for trade-ins but put the same game on their shelves for twice as much. One time I bought a copy of Gex 2 that froze during one of the levels, but couldn't return it because the store I got it from closed down! I guess I could look into if burning games on discs is easy or the prices of repro discs... Or for the sake of having something to do outside of the house, I can go to those stupid scam stores and not buy anything over $15-20... But it's usually shovelware and licensed games that are cheap... (I usually leave with nothing but at least I'm somewhere!)
The pro to my Wii is that it's modded, and I can run ROMs and ISOs to consoles in that generation and before easily. (It can run some PS1 games, too.) When I modded it, I tested and could run Gamecube and Wii (that's how I managed to play and finish Path of Radiance and start Radiant Dawn) via USB. I should still have the Virtual Console games I bought back in the day on it, and if I don't, finding .WAD files (*Beavis and Butthead voice* Huhuh... wad... huhuh) online is easy. The con is I've lost two HDs and all of their contents. I haven't gotten around to seeing if they could be salvaged. The chances of having the homebrew and save files to several games I was playing on there (notably: Radiant Dawn, Xenoblade, the first two Paper Marios) is really fucking low, and I don't want to replay all those games all over again! Also, the Wii can't play DVDs and the work arounds don't sound worth the effort.
So I say both options sound equal, but PS2 would be simpler. Earlier this year I got a new desk that can fit a lot of shit besides my TV monitor, so if I cleaned it off and organized things I might have space for both consoles here. I just... have to clean up my room and find the consoles... Also for the Wii I'll have to assemble it and see if the modded/homebrew stuff are still there, because if not I'd have to buy a new large flash drive that can fit all the homebrew programs like emulators, Nintendont, AND various ROMs/.WADs/ISOs... I feel like I'm not ready for this, but it's likely the same "not ready" I was when I put off retiring my old laptop or cutting down on my old habits... I don't think it's wrong to be on my computer on work days, but it feels like the presence of it destroys any productivity I can do on days off. I really have to do something.
For the record, I do want to be online enough to update my site, which is another roadbump to this. When I first started this site, I used to write runes on a text file on Dropbox and code it at home, but I can't code on my phone. I did buy a notebook that I write outlines in, so I figured for reviews or thoughts on things I can write in a notebook and just hop on my PC to code it. My first entry is already fucking long, I tried to add a scrollbox to this template but it broke... I can do it later or reuse the layout I made...