still sad
3/31/2024
I got an answer back from the workforce on Friday, and it's... a process I don't care to get into... It was okay news (I wasn't forgotten about) after being depressed this week, but I still feel stuck. It's just a transitory phase just like lockdown, fall-winter 2021, winter 2022, and the lowest points of 2023. Kotte says I'll be fine... The insecurity of not knowing the future is what stresses me out, but I believe her if anything. I'm so thankful I have someone who can quell my insecurities like that. I can't believe I ever bought the propaganda that I was meant to live a miserable life. I really had it drilled in my head that I was just doomed, and the only way I could "make it" is to somehow change myself. But I didn't need to "change", I just had to improve. I thought it was sheer luck that I was somehow good enough to attract someone who is literally my type and we can mutually appreciate each other, but in reality I think that was years of work to better myself. We also talked about and had a nice resolution that even if something does happen and we split, it'll be on good terms. And if I managed to attract one woman in my age range and type that's compatible with me, then there can be another.
I never really thought that I'd be considered a good partner for someone, let alone desirable (I don't think I'm ugly, just "too flawed"). I really, really hated the narrative that "love heals" or it's the one thing that can fix you. I had to grow and fix myself to get to this point. I came to the conclusion a few years ago that being alone wasn't the worst thing in the world and was willing to work with it, even if I'm frustrated over how my social dynamics with taken people IRL are drastically different no matter how much its claimed otherwise. And now I'm... One of those taken people, except I'm not secluding myself to one other person in the world. I hate how when I was single, my attitude of not wanting to settle down or jump into marriage was written off as being a brainless thot or only wanting sex. Now I know that I'm capable of being serious and committed, I just don't want to be tied down. My relationship is technically open and I wouldn't mind another partner, but I don't feel comfortable looking for obvious reasons (purposely looking brought the least results). I don't know if I still wish I could be a "normal woman" now that I know I have a life outside of what was drilled in my head... But I still think about how things would be so much easier.
In other news, I have the footnotes of another drive-by review written down, and two drafts to be touched. (One is the G3 overview, don't count on that being done...) One of my to-do pages is about the books I've read (yes I do read lol), but I'd have to fix that clusterfuck layout this fucking page is first because I'm going to reuse it. More immediately, I have a backlog of art to upload, but it won't be uploaded until I code the new gallery. I wanted to try Lightbox, but I don't get it... So I'll probably just use Nanogallery again. Looking at the 2020s art gallery is also reminding me I have another OC page to craft... Ugh...
A few days ago my mother walked in my room and found this display. Um. I don't know how to explain it either 😭
wasted week?
3/25/2024
I alerted my workforce case manager about getting my renewed ID, but am still waiting on an answer back :( And now it is Monday. (My weeks began on Sunday when I worked...) Well, I still got other important stuff done. I finally decided to go ahead and make the file paths on the offline copy of this site relative, and with some help troubleshooting it appears I'm doing everything right? it just doesn't show up in the live preview, but it shows up fine (offline) in-browser. Hey, it's better than nothing! Now I have a 95% (5% are things I overlooked) offline copy of this site, which was on my to-do list besides getting a domain when my debt is paid off.
Kotte and I have an approximate date on meeting sometime next year, after some personal plans she has, and after I get a new job and tell my family. That's still what I worry about... I don't really know how to explain it, and I worry I won't be taken seriously. It's been three months now... I still wonder what Kotte sees in me and feel like I don't deserve her... But it also says something that I'm accepting this instead of pushing it away. You just have to become someone who deserves it. Never thought the trope that "the right one was in front of you all along" would apply to my life...
I really hate this waiting period. Hopefully I'll go to the library this week. My preordered stand finally came in the mail earlier, but I'm not in the mood to take photos to update my shrine. I have three two drafts going on... I just haven't been in the mood for it in the last few days.
sad
3/18/2024
Been having a depressive slump this weekend. I just didn't accomplish much last week unlike the weeks before, but that's fine. I slept like a rock this weekend and had some minor LDR-related sadness. I felt bad that my monthly rune so far is filler content, so I was going to turn what was originally a journal entry in here about how I managed to fall into insular identity-related politics before Tumblr existed into its own separate page, but feeling too depressed made me but it aside today. Honestly??? I might just go to bed early. LOL!!! I can call tomorrow and maybe push myself to play a game since I still suck at time management despite cutting out 80% of my phone use now.
I got my new ID in the mail tonight, so that might help this slump pass. Seeing the photos on the new and old one is strange... I found old photos when I was 25 before my HD went kaput, and I was shocked by how awful I looked. I honestly don't think I looked that great until two years ago.
...Still waiting on this to be released...
another waiting period
3/13/2024
I was told during the appointment that my temporary ID would be good enough to have my application finished, but then I was told I have to wait until my new ID comes in the mail to give a copy of it. Uh, okay. It takes two weeks (one now since I did it last week), but okay. I'll just keep calling and emailing so I won't be forgotten about again.
My library book was due to today, so I ended up going to the library at noon. I brought my sketchbook so I could have some space outside my room to focus on practice. I ended up studying an anatomy book there for nearly 2 hours, I think my muscle memory and workflow has improved a lot. Gesture books and how-to's aren't useful for me, same with those boring ass how-to-draw guides... I just need photos and images to figure it out myself. I also settled on getting a book about generational divides instead of something technical like art or HTML. Not to sound like some boomer but I've wondered how much of my "ADHD" is just being stuck at home surrounded by "all purpose" electronics, because at the library, the gym (back when I went), or even the breakroom at my last job when my phone didn't have a hold on me, I was able to focus well.
I wore the second bracelet Kotte sent me today, and I chose a shirt that matched it. I expected relationships to be inherently work and compromise, but we fit so well together. It feels like all the terrible years of my life are slowly being made up for. The bracelets and the art I made a reminder that the risks I've taken in the last 4 years have been worth it. I've been wondering when to tell my family still... I still want to wait a few months. Pinning a date on it will work just as well as planning an employment date, so maybe "this year" would be vague enough. I'm not ashamed of my relationship, I just hated coming out.
On the way home from the library, I stopped by the Himalayan food mart again and got two of the 59 cent spicy manchurian noodles. I ended up making it a little more spicy, but it was good and without my mom intervening and dumping shredded carrots in it (lol). Hopefully my ID will come in soon next week and the acrylic stand I preordered so I can get back on the road.
The stars aligned?
3/7/2024
The craziest thing happened today! I didn't go to bed until pretty late (after 1AM), but I ended up waking up early anyway at 7:30AM. I showered, and I turned my computer on... I realized that I logged on during the 10 minute interval that I can book a same-day appointment (between 7:50-8:00AM). WHAT??? Hey, I'll take it! I scheduled it 2 hours later (so my hair could dry lol), but I walked up there early anyway. My renewed ID won't come in the mail for 2 weeks, but I have a temporary ID I can give to the workforce. This is nuts because when I was a young adult, I had the learned helplessness over being diagnosed "mentally ill" "anxious" as my identity to the point I don't think I would've done this by myself. But I did and it was pretty quick (minus the hour of waiting lol).
Kotte mentioned to me yesterday that I've been less insecure since we got together late December... I can see it, honestly. I'm still insecure about things like my weight and "intelligence", but I've been in taskmode more often and don't self-question every single behavior. That's likely also because I had to force myself to grow up during my last job, and I spend 2023 trying to emotionally regulate myself more. I was in hell during 2018-2022 and there's really no excuse (just an explanation) for how I was during the beginning of the 2020s, but I think I've gotten better.
Side note, but I noticed some sites I follow on here have reasonably active Dreamwdith accounts, so for my resolution this year I dusted off my account, changed my icons and profile, and will poke around there a bit. I don't really want anything to do with the Tumblr migrators, but then I feel like a teenager compared to the 40+ crowd who I notice on friending communities. I was too young (literally, I was lurking fandom communities full of college students when I was 16) and socially clueless for the Livejournal era, so it feels like that culture is way past me... Where did everyone go?
WOMP WOMP!
3/5/2024
I thought I was on a good track to re-employment, but a roadbump got in the way... The nearby DMV to renew my state ID is booked to the brim and the soonest appointment I can get is in the summer. Girl, what?! I am not waiting that long! I e-mailed my case manager a photo of my newest voter's registration card, but I haven't gotten word back on if that's good enough. Damn. For a moment I wondered, would I be going through this now if I renewed my license when it expired on my birthday? The answer is, probably, so I'm not going to sit on my ass and have regrets over it. Geez...
My boss told me I could go back, but I really don't want to. And I'm not! My mom told me that online they're still looking for an SPS, so if I did come back, I would be put back into the position that made me leave. If anything I'd work at a different location if push came to shove, but... Managers go in-and-out of locations and I don't want to go back there at all. It's frustrating. But there's no point cycling back to thinking about how I shouldn't have quit or should've called the workforce before quitting.
I'll probably try to wake up early this week to see if I can schedule a same day appointment at the DMV. When I was employed, I kind of was angry at my past self for not taking advantage of what I could do when being a NEET. I kept thinking, I want to play this game, I want to read that book. I want to sit and do art studies all day. I'm still haven't done half of the things I wanted to do, because I just want to jump back into my next job. Being unemployed makes me feel bad because it's like I'm in an "unequal" position with other people my age and Kotte. The library book I barely looked at is due next week, maybe I can extend it or get a smaller book...
During the holidays in 2022 (when I started this site), I was coping with the workload and IRL loneliness worse than I was in 2023. One of the things I thought was I really hope this is just a transitory phase. It was a transitory phase. By January things opened up for me a lot, and I didn't see what happened this Christmas coming. This one will be too, but I hope there's no real consequences for it being so long.