busy day
2/28/2024
Looks like I'm back on a roll!
Yesterday, I got an unexpected call from the workforce. I finally got an appointment scheduled the next day (today). Of course, I woke up early this morning and it went pretty smoothly. I made the absolutely stupid mistake of not renewing my ID when it expired on my birthday, so some progress like getting a reassessment scheduled immediately were delayed. I also made the stupid mistake of not... bringing my big wallet with my voter's card in it, so I had to send it in an email when I came home to see if that will work before I get my ID renewed. I'll probably have to stop by the DMV and just get a new photo taken before this weekend. Sigh... Well, if you're going to take any advice from this update, it's that. Update your ID when it expires. The liquor store doesn't care, but your future employer will. I really want to take a new photo for mine. I was ugly when I was 25...
I also did all my laundry in the evening after that. When I worked, I only washed my work clothes because it's not like I went anywhere else, but tonight I had to wash almost everything. My mom wants me to remove my bedside drawer from my room and take it out to the curb, so I have to take everything out sometime. I'm not looking forward to that, but I could use a change of scenery. It's past 11PM and I can't really think about much else besides "I did laundry and am slowly exiting my unemployment period"... Um, did I mention there was a Himalayan food mart near the laundromat? I decided to get two random 59 cent noodles just to try them out. One was actually really good, but my mom ruined it by wanting to live vicariously through me (she hates spicy food) and put a bunch of shredded carrots in it. I mean... Okay. I still ate it.
the connection dilemma
2/26/2024
I sat with VSC open for a day trying to figure out how to write this, but I just don't know. Last week I noticed I had the Fraidycat addon and started using it. (On that note, I should probably add an RSS feed for myself for those who don't use the Neocities profiles or want to look at every page they bookmarked to see if the site says there's an update...) I ended up adding a bunch of Mastodon accounts, since I still haven't committed to an instance and accessing everything via the .social account I made gets tiring. But then I wondered... Is this really the "sensible alternative" to social media habit I'm hoping to reduce and ideally leave soon? I'm still parasocially keeping up with people with no real ways of engagement. Just like how I used the old internet as a kid and arguably social media after 2010, just looking and reading but having no way to contact.
Every time I join a new alternative site or log into an already existing account (my poor Dreamwidth will turn 14 this year...), I get too paranoid to want to engage with what potential community is there. I didn't feel like this after 2010-2012, and I know exactly why. It's not just a "modern internet" problem for me, although it does makes things harder. I'm so tired of floating between spaces. (That's what being abused by a close friend does to you...) I'm either too young to have known "the old days" where everyone wasn't obsessed with virtue-signaling and you could talk about things or meet people organically, or I'm too old for a lot of social avenues. I get the 80s and 90s sucked too, but whenever I see 40+ people talk about their experiences I get bitterly jealous. I didn't even get the "old internet community" experience until I was 16 because of helicopter parents, and then social media took over shortly after.
Before the pandemic, most people online were around the same age (give or take 5 or more years), but now most people are teenagers or barely mid-20s. I'm over Covid (I tested positive twice...), but everyone else isn't. Everything I do outside of the house is alone because everyone my age are married with kids. I've drifted in-and-out of online friend groups from 2008-2011, and now that I'm trying to talk to people again after 2018, it's hard to find new ones. Just because I've been a "misfit" my whole life doesn't make it any easier. I've never felt welcome anywhere. Either getting treated as some weird man by straight/bi women or most of the nerd men see me as a potential girlfiend, and my obsession with chasing after "queer" spaces was my biggest regret and led to hating and wanting to change everything about myself more than being around straight people. Everything else has to stay underground and can frequently implode from infighting.
When I was single, I used to feel bitter when I would talk to a woman about my issues with these things, and she would inevitably say something like "same ...which is why I just talk to my girlfriend/wife now". I still hate hearing this. I'm not telling other people what to do with their lives, but I hate the concept of your partner being your only person in the world. It just reminds me of how the moment when an IRL female friend got a boyfriend, I would never see her again. Ever since I was a teenager I was frustrated how I'll never be as important to someone as they are to me. I still want to talk to people and make connections besides my girlfriend. It would be more understandable if we lived nearby, but if we're so far apart, it's healthier to have our own circles outside of eachother. Another funny thing is the go-to advice for coping with being single is "just have friends instead", but even then... How would I do that when everyone else is a hermit that inevitably falls out of social spheres to be with The One? If anything that fosters unhealthy relationships to stay together... The moment you break up or something bad happens, you'll have no one left.
I'm hoping things will change for the better, but I'm just depressed right now about being unemployed and not much to do outside of the house besides that.
whirlwind
2/22/2024
I thought I was in the clear earlier this week. I paid off one credit card debt, and my gym membership was frozen. I had enough money left in my bank to pay off my remaining credit card, and I planned on paying my monthly medical debt with the tax return. Well, it turns out the receptionist at the gym lied that I wouldn't get billed this month, and I had the money for my credit card statement taken out of my bank the day before it was due. Predictably, I panicked and had to borrow money from Kotte and my mother to have enough to cover it. In my head, I kept chanting... Tax return... Save me... Save me tax return... I finally got it this morning.
I was pretty angry about the gym membership for the rest of the night. I had disordered eating late-2022, and going to the gym constantly was how I managed to even lose some weight I gained during my psychiatric crisis years ago. But it became more of a waste of money in 2023 when I was working constantly and my family was using the car when I wasn't. I really wish I cancelled while I was still employed, but there's usually a cancellation fee on top of the annual fee. Why can't the membership just expire after a year and you pay to renew it (and consistent renewals get a discount)? Is it any wonder why Americans are so fat, on top of food prices being raised (I used to buy the household groceries), little time to cook when working a lot, and doctors will tell you to starve yourself if you have issues losing weight? Gym memberships are a scam... At least I didn't have to pay a fee when I went there to cancel, so props for that.
Mean jokes aside, I also got Kotte's package yesterday! It only took a week, which was shorter than I expected. I forgot if I mentioned, but she sent me a bracelet for Valentines Day that suits my style, and a sweet card. Oh, and I went to the library yesterday. I don't know why my stupid ass didn't consider going as a NEET (both now and in the past), when I got a card years ago. The workforce doesn't respond to me unless I call them first (and the first time I called I left a message that wasn't heard)... So I need something to do outside of running through the neighborhood and drawing/coding... I wasn't sure what to get, so I just got a fat book about HTML, CSS, and Javascript. LOL!!! It's a recent book too, so it should have something useful to me.
Some stupid shit is going on with Tumblr (I hate everyone involved lmfao), and it's reminding me how social media isn't worth it... yet I still stick on. I joined Cohost last night and it looks pretty decent, I just don't know if I'll do anything besides following and commenting there. I think I might make my queue go faster, and when it runs out I'll archive my blog and private every post. I remade my Tumblr in 2013, and I still have that account... But it honestly brings so many bad memories. I gave up trying to find a space on there a long time ago, I realized the best interactions off-site were things I had to initiate and dig for. Maybe I'll install IRC and dust off my Dreamwidth too...
one debt paid off
2/16/2024
*Farnsworth voice* Good news everyone! I finally paid off one of my credit card debts! I'm also more than halfway done with my other one too. I'll still be in debt even when I'm done with that one (I had bloodwork done while uninsured in 2021 and got a $1k bill in the mail...) but this feels like a weight off my shoulders.
I also called Kotte again today! Which I'm also really happy about, we talked for almost an hour. She also mailed me another gift... I haven't gotten the first one since packages outside of US take awhile, but it'll be a nice surprise when it's here :) I got a long walk out of it too. Since I froze my gym membership until May due to financial problems, I've been going on runs to help me focus with coding and drawing. I applied to my nearby grocery store, but then I got a text yesterday that someone else was hired. I mean... Okay. I still have 3 other places to apply to.
Can't believe there's two weeks left of February and I'm not employed. I'm happy right now, but I need to be out of the house and doing things :( I guess my employment deadline is spring instead of a specific month... I GUESS!!! Still haven't gotten my tax return yet either... Damn. Boring adult life entry.
valentines
2/14/2024
I never thought this would happen, but this is my first Valentine's day not single. I always considered Valentines to be another consoomer holiday, so I ignored it when I started working. (I have hoarder tendencies so I'm not allowed to buy the plush toys covered in hearts when they go on clearance the next day...) But I stil want a culturally significant excuse to talk about how things are different now.
I'm still in a limbo right now where I regret quitting my job, but the end of 2023 was such a whirlwind I can't believe happened. Early last year I really resigned that I would have to spend my life alone until further notice. The sentiment that "you have to learn to enjoy being alone/isolated" was something I've been told several times growing up and it always felt so fucking cruel. I'm not an idiot for wanting something better. I've never been able to cope well with being alone platonically, but I got used to it. I've been able to go years without talking to anyone besides family. Getting employed years back was a godsend for me because I finally was out of the house, but I ended up becoming a workaholic to cope at my worst moments. I bitched in October and December for how in pain I was back then, but I worked a 10 hour shift in 2021. Didn't care, this was as good life would get.
My first/last crush in real life was a miserable experience, I didn't want to be attracted to a woman ever again. I hate how "lesbian loneliness" is some meme or a thing for non-lesbians roll their eyes or gawk at. It's not an analogue to incels or about dating, it's being the only woman I know in real life like me. It's having it drilled in my head that I don't have a future as a failed woman. There are no spaces for me, my presence even in "accepting/inclusive" spaces is always being guilty until proven innocent. If I wasn't compatible with anyone nearby, it wasn't a matter of just "moving on to the next", that was all I had. Everyone my age either "grew out of it" or settled down. But even then, I'm disgusted by romance. I'm too uncomfortable around women to just want to hook up with someone (not that there were any ways to). This was just another aspect of life that sucked and I had to live with.
Connections have always been difficult for me, and they still are with how there's nothing around in real life. I didn't feel like I was "dating material" anyway. I spent 90% of my time working and don't make enough to move out. Lack of a social life is a red flag. Can't drive, and I never felt safe around people in-person. My first close friend sexually abused me and even though that wasn't even the first time that happened, I pushed everyone else away. The other friend I had I let slip by, because I was too scared it would happen again. (If you ever see this, I'm sorry. I want to talk to you again, but the fact she introduced us was why I was so unpleasant.) Whenever someone got close to me, I distanced. I gave up going to in-person events and trying to make friends online a decade ago. Social media took over, so most of my online interactions were parasocial. That was my problem. Back when I was a NEET, I remember posting on a now-deleted Twitter account (with a decent amount of mutuals that I was too terrified to be close to), how much longer am I going to live like this? Having nowhere to go out, having no energy, having no close person in my life?
I've made so many mistakes I made, but I'm not sure if I'd want to change the course my life went now if it meant I wouldn't have met her. There were times I looked back on one of my suicide attempts and regret not going through it, but now I'm thankful I never did. The key was to keep pushing. I missed out on more by hiding. Don't hide away at home. Go out to that place. If you have something nice to say about someone, tell them. Answer those DMs. Send that text message. Accept that invitation, whether it's to a party or con or even a Discord/IRC server. You have no idea who you might meet. I don't give a fuck if this sounds "insensitive"; I've lived so long using being diagnosed with "anxiety" and "depression" when I was young hold me back. This is a maladaptive behavior, not an innate "disorder".
I really feel lucky that I found a one-in-a-million by chance. I'm blessed to have someone like her (intelligent, capable, charming) see something in me. We officially got together on Christmas Eve before I went to work that night. I wasn't feeling well; I had a cold, and it was my second-to-last week when I decided to quit. I was scared for the future, but it still felt like the best gift I could've gotten. I used to hate seeing other people post things like this, because I thought even a close friend who wouldn't take advantage of me is asking too much. But I truly believe if it could happen to someone like me, it's possible for anyone else. I had to get the courage to exit my comfort zone even in small ways to get to this here. I had a survival instinct to live and thrive despite everything, and I clung onto that.
Kotte sent me a physical gift in the mail (going to take awhile; my G2 pony took several weeks), and I feel bad I can't do the same right now. I hope this is equal enough. I may or may not have stayed up late the night before to pre-emptively write this. The other roadbump right now besides distance is I haven't told my family yet, but I want to wait until it's been a few months so I won't be jumping the gun.
.... Also, it's the birthday of one of my Moderneopets too. Happy birthday, Romano! LOL!
In other news, no word back from the workforce even after sending in my relevant info (of course). I'm probably just going to apply to places I want without their help.
tired of NEETdom + future plans to consider
2/10/2024
The case manager I was given by the workforce solutions only works on Mon-Wed, so I've spent the rest of this week just doing my usual unemployed productiveness. But I'm tried of it. I honestly really hope I have a new job by March, because I don't know how I'll cope with both dealing with it and potential finanicial issues. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have quit... but then I remember how in pain I was so often, put through so much, but not enough to considered "full time" and deserving of benefits because I wasn't technically scheduled full time hours. I mentioned this before, but I got Covid last spring weeks before I requested a vacation for a con, and that was cancelled. But I wasn't even given a sick leave for that.
Well, whatever. Another reason why I really want to get a new job ASAP besides my personal bills and there's nothing to do when you're broke 24/7, is I want to do website related things in the future. I cancelled by Neocities subscription and froze my gym membership for months (womp womp...I go for a run outside almost every day because being stuck at home is boring.), but before I quit my biggest plan was to buy a domain name after I pay off my credit card debt. Yeah, who knows when that happens... but it was something to look forward to.
I have my site backed up offline, but not fully viewable because I still use direct links in everything except the root pages. I haven't made a partition drive for an offline copy, or even looked to see if I have a spare flash drive that's big enough to fit it. I don't know why, I feel like I'm not ready to. I kind of wish I learned about more complex web stuff like deploying when I started, but I really intended this to just be a continuation of my Neopets/Geocities-tier skills... lol. But one thing I've considered is switching hosts and buying a domain, but that also feels equally distant. (I mostly worry about something like becoming unemployed happening again and not being able to pay to keep it online.)
I mentioned at the end of my most recent rune that I haven't used Twitter since June. I mainly stopped using it because it's attention span-killing garbage and full of idiots no matter how much I ~curate my space~, and the constant news about Florida and pride month made me depressed. I made a Mastodon account last fall, but I have no idea what to do with it or which one to even join. I still followed accounts from my .social account, but it felt weird. At one point I just wondered, is it possible to just make an instance only for me, and I can follow/talk to whoever I want from it? Apparently, it is possible!
I'm mostly posting this for my own reference... I'm more computer literate than my late-50s mother, but I've never done a lot of this before. But it's not impossible and you can do it for free (even if the free domain is kind of ugly lol).
TL;DR:
Have a fully offline copy of my site Buy a domain Use a different host? Set up my own instance (??? not sure but)
back on the ball + 2000s nostalgia
2/5/2024
I was hit with financial trouble yet again (car related) that I didn't emotionally cope with it well, because I'm still unemployed. I'm really hoping I get hired by the time my tax return arrives, but I'm so pissed because this was the exact reason why I hesitated to quit so much last year. Every time my mom told me "just quit / get a new job" I wanted to scream. It's not that easy, my personal bills on top of house and car expenses were why I felt so trapped in this cycle. Last month it felt like freedom to walk out, but this was exactly what I was worried would happen. I ended up calling the workforce commission and have a case made for me, but I was chided for waiting until I was unemployed to call... even though I literally had no time to when I was... Whatever. I was promised to be sent the business card so I can email the relevant papers, but I didn't get it. So I'll have to call or text tomorrow about it. Times like this makes me wish she was closer.
I don't keep track of what 13-17 year olds are up to (granted I don't pay attention to 18-19 year olds either unless they're in the same circle), but I kind of laugh at a lot of 2000s nostalgia coming from them. I can't condemn it too much because I still have a lot of residual 2000s nostalgia to an unhealthy degree, but it's always the people who would've be able to handle it who are able to enjoy it from a safe distance. A million people talked about how the old internet was actually fucking toxic and a "wild west" full of shock videos and mean people who would tear into the art of teenagers just having fun, but I mean real life too. You realize nobody actually liked emos and scene kids, right? You realize that America in the 2000s was super conservative, right? As much as I'm critical of how the push for marriage as the be-all-end-all of rights and acceptance, same-sex marriage was legitimately a radical stance that most liberals didn't support (Obama didn't, weirdly).
It's so funny to see young adults and teenager online act like someone with a difference of opinion adjacent to their spaces is out to kill them or a danger to their lives when I was in physical danger at school. It makes me bitter so see people who see being gay as a fashion statement want to go back to the 2000s, because, um, sparkledogs and cool Y2K aesthetic or something, when just existing back then led to physical and sexual abuse. Not saying violence doesn't happen in real life today, but it reeks of privilege to me and being unable to pick your battles to care so much over online disagreements... I had to accept that some people would fundamentally would never accept me, "love the sinner but hate the sin" when I wasn't doing anything. I had to grit my teeth and accept I had to share spaces and society with the same brainwashed Christian freaks who support Bush and think everything that isn't the Bible is out to corrupt people. Hell, conservatives were rampant on DeviantART and Pokemon forums and I had to fucking live with it and not be friends with them. You had to carve your own space on the old internet, especially if you couldn't make one in real life. At least it was clear who my enemies were back then. As much as I regret going online too young, I'm almost thankful for it. Who would've thought a now-gone Neopets forum I made a fool of myself on was what opened my eyes to what Bush was doing and the first time I interacted with gay people (realizing they were people)?
It's why I've lost almost all of my sympathy for lot of social justice shit in the last decade. If it isn't repacked Christian/conservative rhetoric, it's usually spouted by the most privileged people. (Damn, you could actually afford college? lol) I see so much "free Palestine" stuff everywhere online, but it just makes me wonder, are you displaying this everywhere because people told you? Is this just yet another virtue signaling like with Ukraine and BLM/ACAB? I didn't need someone on Twitter to tell me the IDF is evil when what I see going on in Palestine was just another repeat of the War on Terror propaganda I was taught in school (hell, this conflict has been going on for decades and Israel was always America's baby), but it seems like most other people who aren't directly affected by it are using it as "good person cred". Meanwhile the NPCs on the opposite end will rail against Russia but support Israel, but their argument about Palestine is "b-b-but Hamas! Terrorists!" ... Even though when they were on the last bandwagon, they would never imply that Ukraine's far-right government means they deserve being invaded by Russia. It's such a joke to me.
I don't care, I heard it all. People have such short term memory loss too, I had people older than me act like Trump getting elected was a "new low" for America despite Bush being 2x worse (or that so much shit that's still a problem now is from Reagan). Being a kid and teen in the 2000s was traumatic but spending my adult years in the 2010s and now 2020s hasn't been any better. I don't want to go back to that shithole era, but it feels like things have gotten worse since then. Maybe I was right to be an 80sboo.