the end
12/31/2023
I got some better news about work last night. My last week's schedule isn't nearly as pathetic, 23 hours is better than 16. (Not good by any means, since I have three days off this week instead of the usual two, but you know what I mean.) So maybe my last paycheck won't be so bad after all... I'm still going to use it to cover my February bills. My mom is working better hours next week too, so hopefully she and my sister can carry things for us until I get a new job. I'll have to Uber home on my last day, but I'll also have the paycheck by then so I might go to the weird little mall nearby it. I can't believe this year ends today, I can't believe I went through so much emotional growth in such a short time. I know why, too...
Website highlights, in my opinion:
Sparkler (literally what I had in mind when I initially made this site as an art archive, thankfully a lot of it was in my dA storage and sketchbooks I kept) About (it was revamped several times throughout this year, but I think the current iteration is the best and unlikely to change) Happy Birthday, Charizard1246! was well-received, which I'm glad since it was such a specific project I planned for a month. Memorable Pokemon CoTDs is a sequel to the other pages I wrote about Pokemon last year and probably the last page I'll ever "schedule" again. There were technically going to be three more characters added, but I really wanted it posted on my birthday so I pushed it out too soon. Oops! Well, it looks done at least. My page on the Skullgirls update is pretty mid quality-wise but it's notable to me for being the first political-adjacent piece posted, followed by One year of HARDMACHINE (the original draft was actually MORE political before I cut that section short). On "Mascots" and Ratphobia in the media was filler that grew on me (even if the former is a bit weak) because I'm dying to do more purely humorous/"absurd concept taken seriously" type of pages. G2: The forgotten MLP generation? (Something that I was surprised was recieved so well because this was something I was mainly passionate about a decade ago; The sequel will be done before 2025 at least!!! LOL)
I'm going to try to be in more non-social media spaces next year, and draw and indulge in more media if possible. I actually lost a decade worth of digital art last year, which kind of bummed me out from making more... I'm actually supposed to be working on 2 gifts for a friend, but I spent my day off today fixing up the code on Kotte's site. Hey, one day at a time, and it's still a form of working on something. Happy new year! I can't drink or wait til midnight since I work tomorrow, but I will when I come home from work tomorrow night.
the end is soon
12/29/2023
I saw next week - my last week's schedule. It's almost equally pathetic as this week's. I'm not surprised, but I still feel sad about it. It's like they knew this would be my last paycheck and made it extra tiny for it. I honestly didn't want to quit, but I couldn't take it anymore. If I got sick leave when I missed work from getting Covid in March, I would've stayed. If a fourth or fifth person was trained to do SPS sometimes and I could do other things, I would've stayed. If I wasn't made to work 7-8hr shifts for 6-8 days in a row several times this year, I would've stayed. If I was allowed to take paid vacations, I would've stayed. But that's too much apparently, so I can't deal with it anymore. It felt like I was being punished pay-wise for taking a vacation last month, and now I feel punished for leaving. Jesus.
I calcuated what my paycheck will be, and I'm going to use it to cover my bills for February just in case. I don't ever want to be a NEET again so I don't plan on being unemployed for at least a few months (two max), but not having a clear idea of what will happen next makes me scared. It's almost just as scary when I was exiting being a NEET years ago. I'm not going to be too proud to ask for help, my family has my back and I asked Kotte to try to keep me in check and stay productive despite the timezone differences. I have emotional support and monetary safety nets up, but the feeling doesn't go away.
I feel bad I haven't had much time to work on new things on here. I have several drafted pages (half are things I want to do, two are half done but it's debatable if they're good enough), but one that's been staring at me is one about G3 MLP that I think is really good so far, but it's... Very time consuming to watch every major G3 and one G3.5 cartoon to summarize, review and take some caps of!!! Now I see why I don't do cartoon/anime review stuff much. But I felt bad how "inactive" this site feels, at least I have a decent amount of things made in the last year to backread :( I don't consider this a "socal media mindset", but not having "anything to show" for what I've done is a big regret I often have. Oh well... One big reason why I was so unproductive the end of this year was because of how much I worked, maybe if I'm not on the grind constantly I can do something interesting.. I am going to be on Discord less in the next month for more constructive endeavors.
rest
12/26/2023
Happy late Christmas! It really snuck up on me this year. I worked on Christmas Eve, but it was a short 6hr shift and Chirstmas day was fine. I decided to accept my light hours this week, but I will ask to see if I can work on the 29th. I still have my fingers crossed that my last week will bust my ass, so my last paycheck will be good enough...
The main thing I wanted for Christmas was to get my tablet replaced, and luckily it did! I also got some capybara stuff and I got a package in the mail today from a long time friend. Still waiting on my pony, but to be fair that was bought from the Netherlands so it might be here closer to New Years LOL.
When I worked on Christmas Eve, I grabbed a soda from the breakroom fridge. When I came home, I noticed it had the name of my least favorite manager written on it. I decided I'll put it back when I come in work on the 28th. I'm not a fan of her, but I wouldn't go that low...
waaah
12/22/2023
Work threw me a curveball again. I checked next week's schedule, and... I'm barely booked. This is not a good thing when my next paycheck will be my last and my biggest stressor is paying my bills (even if my family can cover it). Half of my paycheck was given to household utilities, but I'm putting another part aside to cover January's bills. I kind of liked that I was going to be off on Christmas Eve, day, and the day after, but not that my shifts are super short and I have a fourth day off. I told my boss I could work longer shifts next week and go in on the 29th, but she said that depends on the payroll. And when I checked the computers again, my schedule changed and it says I work Christmas Eve in a position I've never done before. I'll check tomorrow morning what the truth is, I guess... Despite the pain I've been in, I was actually hoping my last weeks would bust my ass so I could have a paycheck that tides me over...
Also, the expensive shoes I bought yesterday ended up hurting after I wore them for 8 hours, so I have to exchange them. Womp womp.
decent day
12/21/2023
Did a fucky wucky last night. I got some alcohol on my day off, but it wasn't the usual beer and I got sick from it instead. Drank half the can before I got a headache and threw up. Ended up getting a similar headache when I went to the gym briefly, but that was likely from not eating much. (At least I got something in...) Then after eating, I went and bought some new shoes to survive my last shifts of this job and to carry over to the next one.
12/21 is the birthday of my former real life crush, so it used to be a date I tried to keep an eye on or make sure I was working that day to say something. Now in hindsight I've moved on a lot, because even if it was "my first" it was honestly a miserable experience and during the worst time of my adult life. (Of course I couldn't even air out or vent about my negative emotions about it to my current company, so I kept it all in therapy...) I saw her again this summer, but I didn't care at all. It was a textbook crush, but I also... didn't like it and it made me uncomfortable half the time. It was closer to an involuntary attraction to someone I wouldn't even be friends with (oops!).
I honestly had such a huge stupid crisis with sexuality and attraction this year that I'm glad has been resolved near the end. I don't even know how to even get into it without it spiraling into stupid details. I've complained about how bad advice over labels has harmed me growing up before... I've been semi-vocal for a long time about how I found the "ace spectrum" concepts harmful to me and led to "identifying with" literal trauma responses, but this year I wondered if there was any points about theories related to "aromanticism" because I do think a lot of standards of "romance" or human relationships are technically more of a construct than sexual attraction.
I always thought I was broken for not having textbook "cute kid crushes" growing up, and last year I went into a depressive spiral when I realized I don't know what kind of possible future I have if I don't want to get married. My sexuality already ruined my life and was something I faced violence and lost friends over, but if I don't want the same thing "good women" want at my age, what did I have left? I was obsessed with the idea of romance growing up, but it honestly felt like that was something groomed into me by socialization and damaged my self-worth in the long run. It honestly feels sexist and living by heterosexual standards for even lesbians to have marriage and being a wife their goal in life. (Yeah, okay. The fight for same-sex marriage in US was because of the AIDS crisis and because you can't force your religious values onto others. But it made me really fucking bitter how post-2015 led to the mindset of "you can be normal now, so shut up. You don't have real problems anymore." Not fucking true...)
When I looked into some aromantic theory or people who identified that way, I noticed the same cognitive dissonance as a lot of ace spectrum stuff. AKA, seeing people talk about how they do feel those forms of attraction, but are either distressed by it or only comfortable exploring it in compartmentalized or "controlled" outlets like fiction. (FYI, this isn't saying I hate people like this. I don't agree with the way they label it, but they deserve consent and the right to be happy in their own way too.) I had a period 8 years ago where I identified as "grey ace" despite being super (fictionally) pornsick, because I meant it as in, "I'm sometimes sexual, but not for you" - but I realized it implied that if hiding behind asexual labels to make my boundaries matter more (also so my opinions on these topics would hold more weight...I never thought I was opressed for it), it implies some really fucked up things about "allosexual" people. The same mindsets of the people who abused and harassed me did.
Anyway, despite being extremely repulsed by the idea of being in a romantic relationship, I fell in love at one point this year. And the moment it was obviously with something and not someone, I realized something. Just because I don't want what's considered "normative" (marriage, long term, the idea that people are one half and not a whole person) doesn't mean I don't want it at all. I don't fantasize about "typical romance", but I realize I am capable of those feelings but prefer it with someone unobtainable so I won't feel guilty (internalized lesbophobia, damaged goods mindset, my first crush was fucking miserable) and I don't mind it not being reciprocated in that case. I like having some avenue of having things "my way" instead of forcing myself to live in someone else's mold.
Unexpectedly, I'm (arguably) in my first relationship now with someone I've aleady been friends with and sees eye-to-eye with me. There's a huge physical distance in the way of it being more, but I'm okay with that. It suits me and feels safer now. I accepted that yume stuff would keep me single, because that's something most people understandably won't be on board with, but it's nice to have that not be an issue or an elephant in the room. Right now I feel happy with myself.
pain pt.2
12/20/2023
I've really hit my limit with work. But at least I have 2 weeks left. I have no idea what next week will be (other than I'll be off on Christmas day), but I'm going to try to tough it out. I worked 4 days in a row again, which isn't as bad as 6-8 days, but every day was a full shift and I was in pain last night 5 hours in. For fucks sake. They'll hopefully realize what they did wrong by the time I leave. I have today and tomorrow off, but I just feel physically and mentally squished from all that and haven't done what I wanted to.
A funny coincidence happened yesterday though, I kept snoozing my alarm but what finally got out of bed is one of my imports came in the mail. I decided to wait until after I hope home at 11PM to open it as a reward. So... now I have some official merch on top of fan stuff I acculumated this year? I think what I'm going to get with my second-to-last-paycheck after Christmas is an itabag to keep this stuff in... I haven't felt like this in over a decade, so a part of me wants more stuff.
I really did not plan to quit this job anytime soon. Three years was a pretty good streak, and it was my biggest step to joining society again after falling off it after dropping out. It was retail and had the usual issues, but it was comfortable. What happened? Well, I started out as the cleaning lady late 2020, but by early 2021 they got actual janitors and I did markdowns (putting things on clearance before the store opens). Then fitting rooms, and sometimes stock. My life was fucking miserable then, but not because of my job. Then one of the SPS was fired and another left, and I was thrown in as SPS in their place when I wasn't doing stock last year. Apparently no one fucking likes SPS and two other guys besides me do it, so I spent almost all of this year until the fall as one. And if you kept track of this journal, the new hires quickly leave.
Hey, here's a question: Why can't a reasonably young (20-35) employee be trained as SPS instead of busting the asses of the remaining three? When I was working in 2020-2021, there were at least 5 on rotation. I didn't get a choice in the matter, and they know I'm not optimal at it. It's really hard to give a fuck about shoplifters at this point. I technically never did, but...
It's a day off, so my phone is turned off and I'm surfing to rebuild my music collection I lost several months ago. Some albums I'm having a hard time finding on Deemix or the surface web (mostly some older PIG albums), but I've been on KHInsider for OST stuff. Did you know the Fire Emblem arrangement albums are pretty good? I've always been a fan of this weird Archanea character theme album that's extremely 90s. I think some people already know about this because I saw a tweet saying Medius theme sounds like Seinfeld, LMFAO!!! (So does Caeda's. Minerva and Camus' is pretty pleasant too.) You know, I bought the limited Switch port/localization of FE1 in 2020, maybe I should play that sometime? If my Switch SD card even has space for it, that is...
enough was enough!
12/14/2023
I put in my two weeks.
Yeah, you read that right. Last night I had a moment and texted my mom a long string of messages during my break about how I can't take this anymore... and she said the household can cover for my bills a bit. So having a soft reset NEET period before I go back to the workforce solutions I went to early 2020 isn't a death sentence. Next week's schedule is already in, so I'll be out by early January.
Man... I don't even know how to feel. I'm almost kind of scared but I'm not going to know what happens next if I don't take that step. Next week's schedule is already in, so I'll have two paychecks left. If they put me through the wringer I'll suck it up this one last time.
shit's busted!
12/12/2023
Womp womp. I got my hopes up too high; I thought I was doing stock for the rest of this week, but hours after I came home from work a manager called me and my schedule was changed... I'm back to standing around at the front with customers for 6-8hrs again. God damn it. I'm too fucking deflated to feel anything about it. I really fucking hope I can be out of here by next year. I did get an update text that I'll be doing stock on Thursday, but I really can't get my hopes up at this point!
I didn't make this, but I did in spirit.
I did get some Christmas gift money, and a few months ago I decided I would buy my first G2 MLP toy with it, since I can't justify spending $20+ on shipping from Europe in any other context. Lo and behold, I ended up finding my favorite G2 pony, Princess Silver Swirl, at a decent price. The catch is that the quality is... not so great. Some scuffs on the horn, rust on the tail, the head's vinyl is a different color from the body. But I didn't care! I saw this opportunity and took it, because this pony is usually $50-90+ minus shipping otherwise. And I can personally tolerate the flaws. If not, I can try to restore them.
(Speaking of restoration, did you know that pony cancer has been cured? YAY!) For the other thing, I went ahead and tried to import one of the few official Ivy merch I could find using my other card. I might have misread the description, because I thought it was a set, but apparently I only got one. Well, it was gift money and I was just trying out importing. I'll probably start the itabag next year.
Man... last Christmas season, I was not doing great. I was self-isolating around then to learn how to manage my emotions (it worked), and it was when I picked up on working on this site more. (This page was finished on Christmas!) But this year, it's like... I feel better but work is just bringing me down more. I have something I love and has improved me for the better, someone else I mutually appreciate a lot, I have potential new hobbies opening up, but work is just worse. I worked here for three years. I hope this will be the last. I couldn't imagine that my life would be here 5 years ago, but I'm wondering where the next 5 will go...
doot doot
12/10/2023
This week's schedule is in and I'm back to doing stock. Hours are different during the holidays, so it's a bit later in the morning... No waking up at 4:45AM every morning lol. What I do hate about stock is how it's usually call-in and variable... not great when the rest of my household is working, because then I'll have to Uber home. I technically was going to Uber today, but I ended up doing some Christmas shopping and was done by the time my mom got off work! I think I'm more or less done, I just haven't gotten anything my mom... My dad got an annoying dog last year to replace the one my former wicked step mother took with her, and I think he knows at this point she's why we don't like visiting him as much.
Something is telling me I really need to hook up my PS2 next year, because I went to the weird mall outside of work and they sell more old games at prices that aren't completely inflated now!! In fact, my favorite store there had a good amount of games, I bought three (one a gift) for around $40? My favorite store is a weird one, it's run by an old lady and it's 80% Hot Wheels toys. There was another game store (the one I got in trouble for taking pictures in...), but my card got declined trying to buy my sister a gift. Geez... Well, when it comes to games for me, I found Star Ocean: Til the End of Time and one of the Frogger games where he's a mascot with attitude and not roadkill. Why not.
Something about my debit card keeps getting declined half the time, and it's not because of funds. When I tried to order a replacement tablet from its site, declined. Tried to buy from that store, declined. I decided to import some merchandise of a special someone... Decline on two of the proxies I used. Okay!!! I'll take the hint. Even if I'm not happy about it!!! I may or may not be planning to make an itabag next year.
I'm still in the rabbit hole of looking at old Neopets templates. Here is a good starting point (logged in users only). I think a lot of them are still really good! It's inspiring me to figure out new layouts to make, and how to make them responsive. The more phobic I am of consoomerism and general society the less I care about Christmas, but every year I remember the Neopets advent calendar!! I still don't plan to be active on vanilla Neopets, but I might start friend requesting and Neomailing people I liked who still play. But when sending one Neomail, I had to edit it 3 times because of the filters... That's a big reason why I couldn't be in the community on the site, I can't wash my mouth out with soap. There's also some restrictions on CSS? I considered making Happy Birthday, Charizard1246 his petpage on the site, but it probably wouldn't be allowed since alcohol is involved. Come on, man. Do actual children still play Neopets?! I think not!! I can get banning controversial discussion, but I swear a lot of active users are in the 20-40 range.
another code cracked
12/4/2023
I'm aware the first entry of December was at a bad start! So let me follow that by elaborating on my title.
Suring my streak of working 7 fucking days in a row (again), I had no energy for anything. Couldn't go to the gym because I was in pain, couldn't relax and code or write anything important because I was in a constant cycle of preparing for the next day and low energy things like loafing on Discord, and... social media. WOMP WOMP!!! This is the other reason why things are like this! I am not the only overworked non-NEET with no time for anything when work makes it that way. I had a good streak of not doing this counterproductive shit, until I had to work so much and I had little to do in-between. Yeah, I... am not proud of that. Maybe it's not a moral failing to do timewasting stuff when I work so much but I'm starting to understand why I fell into it so hard and how to avoid it from happening again.
After my tablet giving out, I started doing traditional art this week. Every December I tend to dwell on a slighty traumatizing (in a second-hand way) thing that happened. Later this month will be a decade since it happened... and I decided it would be better for me to just process it that way instead of bitching. I brought my sketchbook to work and drew on my breaks. I ended up coloring when I came home, and decided the next day to bring my Prismacolors and some markers. I really forgot how rewarding traditional work is, even though for a time I was much better with digital art. (I still think I am tbh...) It's basically like digital art on one layer! I forgot how much I loved the process of pencils -> inks -> marker base followed by colored pencils, or vice versa -> reoutlining since Prismacolors tend to ruin ink.
I still want to draw digitally again ASAP, so I decided that when I get my paycheck I'll see if buying a replacement stylus for my XP PEN works after I pay my bills. If not, then I'll wait until Christmas to get a new model entirely... but it won't hurt to do traditional for awhile.
Potential good news when it comes to work. I saw a new hire come in, and I was told this was a new hiring for the position that the guy who walked out and I was replaced for. Fingers crossed I can do stock again this season... Doing stock during the holidays sucks but at least I can be physically active for hours and not deal with customers.
pain
12/1/2023
I wanted to go to the gym after work yesterday, but I was too physically exhausted despite being a short shift. Because I worked two 8hr shifts the days before and I'm already dreading going to work soon. So this is just how it is. My family works too so I can't even do anything else but work and go home. I need to go back to the gym, I have to laundry, contact the workforce guy again, have to cancel my insurance, but it all has to wait until next week because my weeks are just working and having little energy for anything else, except preparing for work tomorrow. AND I can't even draw when I come home!!! I was actually going to buy a replacement tablet earlier this week, but the website rejected my payment on Cyber Monday (consoomer holiday following American colonialism propaganda holiday...what a joke) and what's left of my paycheck after house utilities isn't enough for anything.
So yeah, while I judge doomscrollers and people glued to their phones, I get why it's like that. Too physically overworked to do anything but stare at your phone. But I'm not falling into that trap again, I noticed this pattern 2 years ago when holiday shifts made me not able to do anything but lay in bed for hours. In January I just laid in bed playing my Switch after work. Honestly, even a "low effort" video game like Animal Crossing is better than doomscrolling... Granted I don't have a browser or login info on my phone so I can't even doomscroll if I wanted to. (I really don't...)
I saw the guy who did a no-call-no-show walk in as a customer yesterday. I had to hold back giving him a dirty look because I had a perfectly healthy and functional lifestyle going on for a month or two, but now I'm back to being overworked and too exhausted to do anything. But still considered a "part timer" and get no benefits from it. It unironically feels like I'm being punished for taking a vacation, even though I don't regret it. I'm sure he had shit going on, but you could've at least put your two weeks in instead of walking out. Fuck off.