oopsie 2
4/23/2024
Finished ADHD Nation.
Similarly "controversial" thoughts as last time, some I forgot to mention.
Not to cross over with Generations (even if that is another America-centric book), I wonder how much generational differences with parenting could be another reason for the spike in diagnosis, especially with the current generation. I'm gonna say it. I think helicopter parenting that most millennials and zoomers (+ beyond) went through is a likely factor after the 80s or 90s. Obviously, there were younger boomer and gen X kids who were diagnosed with Minimal Brain Dysfunction before it was rebranded to ADHD in 1980. But I've noticed the loudest people who cling onto "the ADHD narrative" are... Millennials, zoomers, and gen alpha. (I've only seen gen Xers embrace "adult ADHD" as their woe.) This is something that would hurt me to admit, because helicopter parenting and "stranger danger" was what kept me indoors (or supervised outside) for most of my life and glued to electronics as a child and teenager, even before internet access and social media. This shit has gotten worse decades after, because while most older zoomers had a similar offline childhood to younger millenials born in the 90s, I see children in public with bad posture from being glued to phones and babies playing with iPads almost every day. There's also how rural or small town areas are isolated, so going online can be someone's the only way to socialize and "just moving" isn't an option, which was my experience for the last 20+ years. My IRL friends lived across the state and we rarely met up.
On that note, one of the earliest seeds of doubt planted into me about ADHD was that this got worse in my 20s when Web 3.0 and smartphones emerged after 2010. Even when I was addicted to the internet as a teenager, I still made art constantly, wrote comics, played and finished video games, and watched TV. I questioned if I had ADD when I was 13 because a classmate did and I wondered if it was why I did badly in school, but a school counsellor wrote me off. I was shocked when I was diagnosed after dropping out, but I was also shocked about autism too, so the psychologist had to be onto something. THEN when I was 17-almost-18, the early stages of social media set in. When I first tried Tumblr in 2010, I hated it because of the endless scrolling. Then I tried again in 2011 when I found out it could be turned off, and wasted so much consecutive hours in it for years after. But then leaving and talking to online friends on a less centralized space like a forum or Livejournal was out of the question, because everyone jumped ship. I still can't "just" look at Tumblr or Twitter for an hour even now, I've wasted my entire day or morning before work on there, but the issues about jumping ship applies even more now. Predictably, this got even worse when I was given a smartphone when I was 23...
(I've been on a non-stimulant used off-label, by the way. I developed a complete tolerance to Bupropion after being on it for a decade, not even 500-600mg has any effect on me. Bad news for someone who responds very badly to SSRIs and cheap psychiatrists default to those or antipsychotics for prescribing. LMFAO!!!)
Holy shit, this took hours to write. Unfortunately I wanted to try playing a game after returning these books tomorrow so I might put a break on reading boring real life adult stuff and thought criming about it (lol). Last night I picked my 3DS back up and was playing a file of Pokemon Crystal I started years ago, but the AC adapter is damaged and I can't charge it. This really upset me because my 3DS is modded and I can put free games on it, so I might just have to play a Switch game on my backlog :/
oopsie
4/21/2025
My books are due next week, and I'm almost done with ADHD Nation. I put Generations on hold, but I decided that I'll just download an .epub of it and finish it on my own time. Kotte wasn't feeling well last night which made me sad, but we're both better now.
There's some major cognitive dissonance in this book. It's about the history of the ADHD diagnosis in America and the scandals involved with marketing stimulants, but the very beginning still tries to assure the reader that ADHD is real. ADHD is real, the Conners scale was just simply misinterepreted, and there really are children and adults with ADHD... But also notes on the same page that's there's no definite way to diagnose it like a blood test or CAT scan, it's just SO mysterious and we don't know here it comes from. Even though in the early days when it was considered "Minimal Brain Dysfunction", it was aimed towards children who were hyperactive or did badly in school that were clamed down by stimulants, teachers were often the ones who told parents to see a physician to get diagnosed, it's easy to fake to get a diagnosis just to have access to stimulants, the advertisements for medication literally used phrasing like "helps the problem child become lovable again"... The way organizations like CHADD was funded by Shire, the pharmaceutical company that produced Adderall? Or how side effects like psychosis or addiction were heavily downplayed under the guise of "stimulants are as safe as Aspirin", "it's like wearing glasses", or "if you really had ADHD, the side effects won't be a problem". (Never heard that one before...)
Full offense, but this has made me go from being critical of ADHD as a diagnosis to flat out not believing it's a real thing anymore. I think the symptoms of ADHD can happen to anyone, it's a product of modern society and how schools and the workplaces aren't a good fit for most people. An interesting thing mentioned is that CBT can be effective for managing ADHD symptoms, but it's more expensive and not fast-acting like medications. Prescribing kids and college students performance-enhancing medication is also cheaper than accomodating different learning styles, or lowering the bar to make a decent living. (Remember how there are jobs I would work at if they didn't pay dirt?) Another thing is how ADHD marketing would claim various historical figures had ADHD, but also if you have ADHD, you need to be medicated as early as possible because you'll be at risk for dropping out, becoming a criminal, getting divorced, etc. But if Thomas Edison and Abrahamn Lincoln did badly in school because of ADHD, they were still successful despite that. Wouldn't that mean you can still survive without early intervention and being bad in school isn't the end of the world? In 1998, a pediatrician tried to come up with a definition of ADHD and what an "ADHD kid" looks like, but struggled to even describe it despite that being his profession. Who "really" has ADHD and who doesn't? How do we tell?
It's funny how people cling so hard to diagnosistics (either professionally or self-diagnosed) as their identity that this is taken in the worst faith. When I say I don't believe in ADHD anymore, I'm not a conservative boomer claiming you only pretend to be lazy for handouts. Or some gifted genius who passed school with flying colors. It's not saying "you're literally pretending to have these problems", I'm saying that "the entire concept of ADHD is that some people are just not arbitraily productive enough, there's money behind all the slogans people spout, and stimulants are helpful for anyone". Like, does the social justice crowd not see it as a form of ableism of not being considered "useful enough" under capitalism, especially in the case for kids being pushed into diagnosis? (Oh right, they're "lucky" according to the adults.) I don't see an issue with adults choosing to take stimulants as a pick-me-up for work because we still live in this society regardless, the long-term risks are on them to decide if its worth it. But it's weird how some of the loudest "anti-capitalists" cling onto concepts that thrive within these same frameworks. (Side note, one of the chapters is literally named "Your Brain on Capitalism" LMFAO)
I'm very close to the end, so while the book is too "old" to cover how diagnosis have spiked again in the 2020s, it does touch on "adult ADHD". And another interesting thing is I never was able to relate to the narrative of being diagnosed with ADHD as a positive. I used to have friends with adult ADHD that said this changed their life for the better because it gave them an answer and fix for their struggles. Can't relate! I'm going to repeat things I've probably posted before, but I was only diagnosed with ADHD after I dropped out of school. AKA one of the "risks" for not being diagnosed and treated early-on that I internalized. A few years ago I requested more hours at my last job so I could qualify for health insurance, with the intention of getting ADHD treatment. I was refused from every psychiatrist I saw even when they had my records, and the one who would treat it wasn't covered (I'd have to pay hundreds out-of-pocket) and a scammer that put my sister in debt. This probably sounds like a ~lying on the internet~ story when I read about how it's so easy to get prescribed, but I only have access to low-income clinics and the insurance I could afford didn't even cover the prescriptions. This is just as much of a class issue as a "productivity under capitalism" issue. When reading about 20-40+ adults in ADHD treatment (or even some I know), I noticed the vast majority were all in college, office workers, suburban mothers, etc. If this is something inborn and more people are diagnosed "because there's more resources available", why do I mainly see middle class and higher people who do "important jobs" under care for it? Regardless of how you label it, I still struggle with cognition and my life was hell growing up because I couldn't understand math and have memory issues. Even when I was struggling with weight loss and eating disorders years ago, I was bitter how Vyvanse was touted as a lifesaver in support groups because I would never afford it.
I have more commentary about what this book has revealed, notably about Keith Conners "the father of ADHD" himself. I actually don't think he's a bad guy and was well-intentioned, but he has similar blind spots about ADHD like the book does. (TL;DRing, find an .epub of it if you want the full scope.) Near the end of the book, Conners flies out to talk to teenagers and young adults who were misdiagnosed with ADHD and were medicated anyway at a rehab center founded by a former stimulant abuser (who regrets faking the diagnosis in high school, to boot). Some teenage boys staying there asks him if he has ADD (their quote), but he notes that he doesn't. His full answer is "I never did, [...] I grew up a normal kid out in the West with strict rules like no coffee, no tea, no alcohol, no drugs, and that was a good thing. I was lucky to be born into a system that protected me". By his logic, who says Conners doesn't have ADHD and just didn't have information about it when growing up in the 30s-40s? Or that maybe the "real ADHD kids" he treated didn't have the upbringing he believes he was lucky to have? Which is the unintentional impression I got from the book, because the boys he talked to did not have great home lives. One was addicted to cocaine and just prescribed Vyvanse as a replacement for it (!?), and the other boy was diagnosed by his mother because he had anger issues and allowed him to take as many Focalin pills he wanted. (Remember, I don't buy that there are "real ADHD people" and "fake ones" anymore.) Unfortunately, Conners died in 2017 and even before that he regrets how the ADHD diagnosis was misused. I feel like this was set up to happen from the start, but it's almost sad how he just wanted to help kids.
Even when I held onto that ADHD was real but over-diagnosed and "real ADHD people" (me, in my view) were the ones who were like that since childhood, I grit my teeth over how it sounded like such an easy narrative. You were just born with a brain difference and the only treatment was these medications, it's just like how I need to wear glasses. ...Except it's a treatment I can't afford, so my brain is busted forever unless I find a drug dealer. But because I didn't get this treatment, everything that's happened like dropping out or considering doing actual meth (I'm serious) was destined because of this brain difference that wasn't a problem until I didn't make good grades in school. I fell into this mindset when I was told I was clinically depressed as a child, I was just unlucky to have a predispositioned "chemical imbalance" that needs fixed, even though my upbringing was growing up poor and being abused. Of course I realized that's bullshit when being on SSRIs for 1/3rd of my life messed up my brain and body, and am happier off them. Why did I fall into this again? Meanwhile, autism was a positive diagnosis because it meant I just have a different way of functioning and not "stupid" - There's no "autism medication" outside of off-label symptom management (AKA giving kids antipsychotics to quell their tard rage LMFAO). But for some reason, ADHD is lumped under the "neurodivergence" umbrella that everyone wants to be diagnosed with to explain their quirks. I hate seeing phrases like "my ADHD brain" and the term "AuDHD", the vast majority of grown adults I've known cling onto that label as an excuse to act like a complete child. Does nobody want to be an adult anymore, or are we really beliving pop psychology claims that "ADHD brains" somehow "mature slower" (reminder: the claim about the brain finishing development at 25 is bullshit) as an excuse to have Peter Pan syndrome forever?
I don't expect very many people agree with this at all, and it's whatever. I used to be the complete opposite a decade ago. When I was 20 I proudly told one of my psychiatrists I'd take an entire bottle of pills a day (!?) if it would help me. "Clinically depressed and anxious" was a core part of my identity for almost half of my life. I learned the hard way that anyone who doesn't have a cookie-cutter success story is a crazy conspiracy outlier or just collateral damage for those who want their feel-good pills. I don't really care if people choose to become addicts or want to be reliant on meds forever, especially if they're American and that could be taken away at any moment. I once told someone in a support group to not make one of the same mistakes I did with medication, and he did it anyway. Okay, that's on you. None of this is my problem anymore. Remember to drink lots of water and take you pills!
(The following is all ~opinion~ but you probably won't want to read this if mental illness is part of your identity...)
crap
4/18/2024
Donating plasma may have been a one-hit wonder. I tried again earlier this week and prepped myself, but my "veins were too small" to draw blood from. Sounds like a skill issue, but okay. Do these clinics not stock smaller needles like hospitals do? I might try a different place but call beforehand to ask if I'll be accomodated... Sigh. Unfortunately not being able to get a quick $90-100 really stressed me out because the rest of the household's paychecks are next week, but my credit card payment is due on Saturday. I ended up offering to do chores for my father and he paid me for it, so I have that covered. He doesn't know I quit, by the way... Thankfully, that credit card is almost paid off. Remember, don't get a credit card unless it's a last resort and telehealth is a fucking scam.
Doing random stuff like putting away laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen reminded me that I like working. I like cleaning (just not my room, because that was his favorite power trip for me growing up). Then why is getting a job "just" doing these so hard? There's so much stupid shit I'd be content to do, but it won't make a livable wage so I don't bother. Hell, I saw a job opening at Chuck E Cheese. I'd love to work there, but it pays complete dirt. I fucking hate how college is the decider of if you deserve to live, but even the bar to afford it is so high. I'm not even saying people who work at McDonalds should be millionaires, even entry-level jobs that attract high schoolers should be enough to live. You don't know what people are going through. It makes me judge "leftist" slackers on Twitter who just want to sit on their ass and order Doordash every day.
In other not-so-great news, there's another issue with this house. Which is why I'm so angry at the state of things and how not being able to afford my own car (even when I was working) and "just moving" within the same state isn't an option. I don't know if it will ever be. A busted house is 100% better than none, but it just sucks how a 5/10 quality of life is what I'm used to. Even when visiting my dad's house it was nice to use sinks that aren't leaking so I have to watch how I use it. The pipes under the house have been fucked up for over a decade, so there's plumbing issues I have to work around. It's not life-ruining (thankfully), but I often go to bed with paranoia issues about it. I mean, I did wake up on a work day in October and the house flooded when I opened my room door... Blegh.
I'm not totally unhappy. I have Kotte, I'm drawing something I'm proud of (even though... I neglected fixing the galleries), this is just a transitory phase.
sillay
4/12/2024
Hello!!! It's me again. I'm going to call back the workforce next week because last night I was stressing over the prospect of not being employed by this summer. The year felt so much slower last year... But now I look at the date and it's halfway to my birthday. I actually do miss working, just not THAT. Did I ever mention I liked my job until I was SPS? (Probably.) I'd rather work at a different location of my last job than go back there, but I don't know if I want to be back in that routine. Is it normal for every week's schedule to vary, and sometimes managers will change it midway???? I just want to do cool things in July + my birthday + November + December :( Why is everything important to me during the last half of the year?
I'm once again thankful that I have Kotte in my life this way. This has got me thinking about something kind of ping-ponging in my head for the past month. It's a no-brainer but when I realized this same time last year that oh... I really do have a specific type (I guess) (I know)... It made me wonder, why, exactly? I see it as the kind of woman I'm both compatible with and what I want in life. ("Having a taste for uptown girls" as Kotte said earlier today LMFAO) And complimentary to me in a way, since last year I stopped repressing my brand of masculinity and trying to be a normal feminine woman for a time. No, I wasn't. Yes I had a fem4fem phase a few years ago... I was miserable... No one's perfect...
I was fem4fem, and disgusted by masculinity in general for a long time... But one thing Kotte asked me at one point, am I really? I know I was adverse to it because my abuser was a masculine girl and I didn't want to be "stereotypical"; I'm thinking I probably associated masculinity with being unkept (or female masculinity = male masculinity), because Kotte isn't particularly feminine and I love it. I've been attracted to similar before. Kotte still has a form of effeminancy that's complimentary to me. I didn't know that a few friends considered me to be butch after giving up on the feminine LARP last year, either.
How innate is this, actually? If you asked me this 13 years ago, I wouldn't know or allow myself to think about it. If you asked me 8 years ago, I would've given a vague everyone has their own truth cop-out answer. If you asked this 5 or 6 years ago, I would've said WELL it's all just socialized and brainwashed into us. Okay but... Nobody told me to act like this, it was the opposite. In 2021 or so, when I started "deprogramming" more, I've come to the conclusion that masculinity/femininity, gender, gender roles, etc. is a reflection of your sexuality and who you want just as much as what you identify with and want to be. Everyone does this, and while it's nonsense women are born wanting to be hairless and caked in makeup or men are roided gigachads, I can't fully buy that it's all socialized. I'm TL;DRing a complex topic in a distilled way that misses a lot of details. I love saying shit where there's no comment section!
I still use this space as a go-to for "blogging" and Dreamwidth for looking at other people's stuff; But I had a slight paranoia moment this morning that this site could be seen by some IRLs. Notably my father, because he texted me this morning suggesting I get a job in coding because of how much it pays... Okay, but who is going to pay for the classes to train me? (I can't.) How did you know I can do basic HTML and push CTRL+U and borrow other people's CSS? Le sigh... I looked up how much classes for python and whatnot cost to shut him up (they're in the thousands), but he wants me to see if a nearby community college has classes available. I mean... Okay. I think my sister just told him because I got some library book months ago about HTML/CSS and Javascript I ended up not reading, and I look like a mysterious hacker when I have VSC open. I'll probably humor him, but this slightly #Triggered me because my "unintelligent" complex is from not being able to be the maladaptive perfectionist image he makes up to me. If push comes to shove I can take this entire section offline, although I'd prefer not to.
bitching
4/11/2024
Hi!!! I still don't have much of a reason to post still. I'm actually in a pretty bad mood because I was rushed in by my family today to donate plasma today, but since it was an abrupt decision I wasted hours only to get sent home because I wasn't hydrated enough the night before to have my veins visible. Sorry if medical stuff is gross! But not only do I bruise easy but have small veins... This is why I've only had bloodwork done 5 times in the last decade. (Also because I don't have a doctor.) I mean, that's what happens when I'm thrown into something on a whim... Whatever, there's always next week.
I'm very glad one of my drafts that's been rotting for months was finally finished this week! It makes up for only having filler content last month. I've changed my unemployed schedule around weeks ago. I'm juggling two library books so I decided to spend a few hours reading after I wake up. I ended up getting a second book about the history of the ADHD diagnosis in America, and it... Basically confirmed all my suspicions about ADHD I had in 2022. In fact, I'm glad I didn't read it back then or I'd be fucking incensed if I did. I didn't check when it was published until just now (lol), and it's a shame it was in 2016 because there's interesting things to say about how the pandemic has affected the diagnosis... (I'm only halfway through it, so I don't know how the 2010s or adult ADHD is approached.)
(I wanted to make a separate page about the books I've read, but coding a layout makes me want to bang my head against the wall so I'll talk about it here instead.)
I put my other book about generational differences aside since it's longer, but not gonna lie, reading about the past just makes me insanely fucking bitter. One thing I learned recently is boomers are actually not responsible for the way the economy is now, it was already dipping when they were adults. But even my parents were able to do things in their 20s decades ago, we were able to move to different states twice in the mid-90s. When I read about how most gen Xers were "latchkey kids" I get almost jealous, because even though that's seen as a form of neglect or the death of traditional values (lol) (it's because mothers started working more in the late 60s-70s) I'd rather be trusted to survive on my own than have helicopter parents developmentally stunting me and being stuck at home constantly. So much shit in my life is a result of being treated as a dumb fragile baby and spoonfed politics that brainwashed me into thinking the world is against me, instead of giving tools to defend myself with. Most boomers and gen Xers were glued to TVs, but they still had an offline upbringing and things to do, places to go, instead of being hooked to the screen from a young age.
When I was a teenager, 20-somethings looked so mature to me. Online communities were full of college students, artists with portfolios, people moving out and traveling, etc. You were promised that you'll get a car when you turn 16 and go to college at 18/19. When I was in my 20s, I couldn't do either. My father hyped me up as some genius who was going to college, but I ruined my life by dropping out and couldn't afford higher education. Or maybe things were already ruined, because I noticed the amount of ex-academics brainwashing everyone with word salad theory are coping with how the "get a degree and you'll get a better job :)" shit was a lie and they're in debt. Now most American 20-somethings and even early 30-somethings act like teenagers because they can't live freely as adults and sit around online. I unironically used to think that generational differences didn't exist until I was hit with the whiplash of my last workplace skewing 18-50+ and seeing how different it was. Now it feels like everyone born after the 70s are just progressively stunted in a way. It's really funny how victim-complexed zoomers that think generation is an oppression axis like race/class/etc blame 30-somethings on "the way things are now"; I was a child and teenager during all major events in the 2000s. What the fuck did I do? You think I didn't get indoctrinated and deal with everything in the 2010s too?
Shifting gears to the other book; Being diagnosed early and medicalized as a child is on the list of worst things that's happened to me and legitmately fucking evil. So reading about "minimal brain dysfunction" and later ADHD was later just "problem child that makes bad grades" disorder in the 50s-00s makes me incensed... but at the same time, I almost wish I was diagnosed with "ADHD" instead of "depression" as a child so I would've at least done better in school on Ritalin instead of Zoloft. It's evil, but a functional evil! I don't think it's a "privilege" to have no autonomy in that decision but it really shows which symptoms are considered worth fixing. I was diagnosed with ADHD after dropping out, but never treated for it despite being put on a cocktail of medications for other things. It made me wonder, is it because it was "too late" for me to be useful? I tried to get ADHD treatment in 2022 because my attention span issues got in the way of work, but I was told only minors could get prescribed anything. When I looked online to find info from adults in treatment, they were all either in higher education or made enough income to access psychiatrists willing to prescribe controlled substances. (I was treated like a criminal for being prescribed Xanax when I was 20 and quickly taken off it.) I'm skeptical of ADHD now, but I don't see why grown ass adults can't take stimulants if they know the risks and want to. Becoming addicted at 30 is 5x less dangerous than 8, LMFAO!!!
If I had it my way, I would either be a teenager born in the early 80s instead, or in the late 70s so I would be a kid-kid by the 80s and thus first to have all the cool toys that are overpriced on eBay now. If zoomers and gen alpha can obsess over 2000s culture without being lectured about Bush Jr., I can still be an 80sboo despite Reagan. Then I wouldn't have gotten internet access until I was at least 16, be out of high school when 9/11 happens and had an actual life before the recession. I could be on the real old internet like Livejournal or Somethingawful (probably the former, the latter looks like a boy's club). Maybe if I ended up on the latter, I would renounce my meanie troll ways on Tumblr when 2010 rolls around and exaggerate about how I'm "a queer elder that survived Reagan" to browbeat people to listen to my stupid opinions. Or maybe some other historical freak accident would happen to me that will make me stuck living with my parents, or I'd have some adverse reaction to the Ritalin given to me in elementary school that leads to dropping out anyway. Did you enjoy this stupid fanfic I wrote about myself? Maybe I should write when I'm in a bad mood to distract myself more. LOL!!!! Now it's midnight and I'm still full of energy...
easy money
4/4/2024
New month, and yesterday a great idea was proposed to me: My sister's friend makes extra money by donating plasma, so why can't I do that too? I went ahead and made an appointment last night, and got up this morning, showered, to go up there. The first check-in takes a long time, but I didn't care... And my first donation was kind of cut short because I accidentally moved my arm slightly (lol) and bruised too much in the process... Well, that's not a surprise because bloodwork was always a hassle whenever I did it. I can come back when my bruise is gone and the process will be shorter now that I'm registered donor.
I was immediately given $100 on a prepaid card after anyway before I left. Holy shit!!! So I went ahead and got groceries, a gift for my sister's birthday, and gas. All this in one day! I also got a lot of groceries for less money because I'm pretty frugal, so I guess I'll take care of the household groceries. But this is amazing!!! Donating plasma can be done twice a week, so now I'm less stressed about having no income while I'm waiting to hear back from the workforce. It's not nearly as much as my paychecks when I was working 6-8 days in a row, but it's more than I make now (none...) and enough to pay my bills and get gas and groceries.
I took down my main two art galleries, by the way. I'm going to fix them up and I changed the file paths for some OC pages not coded yet... I just have to figure out how to go about it. One last thing; Since Kotte announced hers, I started using my Dreamwidth account weeks ago for subscribing to other's journals, communities, and post at least a few times a month, although I'll post in here more first. Maybe I should get a rename token with my remaining money, lol... The username was from a shitty story I wrote when I was 17.
