BACK // HOME

Hot Carbuncle takes

...from someone who has never played Final Fantasy

(Originally written December 2022)

Browsing the internet in the early-mid 00s introduced me to a lot of popular series that I only heard of second-hand, Final Fantasy being one of them. Yes, really. I have owned physical copies of and have attempted to play various titles, but never got far at all. I ironically have gotten farther in Kingdom Hearts, and realized I didn't like it. It's something that has the ingredients of something I would like (especially FF7 and beyond), but I just haven't sat down to pick any of them up yet. I may have chosen to sell my soul to Fire Emblem instead as my JRPG of choice.

Maybe one day I will give any Final Fantasy a true chance, but instead I'm going to give my unsolicited opinions on a recurring creachur I see in fanart often.

Final Fantasy V

This is literally the coolest fucking thing I have ever seen. This is probably the personification of what "cool" is to a weeaboo gamer in the 90s, and they'd be right! Unfortunately, wiki says this is concept art, so this amazing beast isn't canon. I cannot put into words how disappointed I am by this. This green Eevee-like creachur is what is actually in the game. Pretty basic, but it seems to be the default look of these guys. Not bad. I like the other one more with its cool ass gloves and shoes.

Final Fantasy VI

I like the teal color, but it doesn't really look any different from the green one. This one appears to be holding onto its gem for dear life, though. I would not pet this, it looks very neurotic and like it would curse me. Do these bite? Would it be deadly? I doubt the game has an aswer...

Final Fantasy VIII

Big fan of this render. It has a lot of character! This looks like something I would make a fursona of in middle school! I like this one a lot. The way it is standing on two legs gives off more of an image of a jerboa than something human-like. I would like to hold this in my hand if it was small enough, or sit on my lap if it was bigger. Maybe even touch its tail or feeties, if it let me. Perfect friend material.

Final Fantasy IX

Looks very kemono. A bit too kemono though. It looks more like someone's OC of the above one than another version. I'm actually not sure if I like this, honestly. Maybe a little? I don't know, but it doesn't give me "creachur I want to interact with" vibes. Maybe it's the middle school fursona I would have made.

Final Fantasy XI

Oh...this is a fancy pet subspecies. Or something. I prefer the VIII design but this is a version that's different but still looks like what it's supposed to be. Sort of like the Espeon to a Vaporeon. This is something I would let lay on my lap and pet very slowly, it is a delicate creachur. I bet its fur is very smooth like some fancy fabric I don't remember the name of. I like its long ears and how it gives a sleek appearance.

Final Fantasy VII Remake

I am saving the worst for last. What the FUCK is this? This is such a downgrade. I cannot put into words how much I hate this. If the V concept art is what "cool" is to a weeaboo gamer in the 90s, this freakish mutt is what "cool" is to a rich person who has never left the house. Devoid of any creativity or charm. Hideous. Disgusting. Horrible. I would euthanize this (painlessly, I'm not that evil) and wear a fur coat out of it, Cruella-style. I will make it my life's work to root out this invasive species, since this blight is only in the remake. This is why remakes that suck the character out of the original game's art and replace it with fancy smancy HD graphics tend to invoke dread in normal people who aren't stuck in the past.

But that's a rant for another day....

BACK // HOME