About HARDMACHINE

▶ Hard Machine - PIG

Table of contents:
About | Blinkie Hoard | HM Mascot | Important

_{Psst! Hey! Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!}

About

"you have such a damn specific vibe of an insane internet socialised millennial autistic woman"
- Kotte

Who am I? I'm a teenager that was born in the early 90s. (AKA, too young to fully experience Web 1.0 but old enough to know how things were before Web 3.0.) I saw 9/11 happen on TV and AOL trial CDs in the grocery store. The nightmarish dial-up noises were just an accepted part of life. Nobody in real life knows that I'm several rodents in a trenchcoat, because I'm a freakazoid actively LARPing as normal. My brain is full of cursed knowledge and I'm a DeviantART war veteran. My oldest Neopet is old enough to drink and drive a car (not at the same time, I raised him better than that). My misunderstood genius will be vindicated by history. And? I'm your problematic fav.

As of late-2022, I am finally living my tweenage dream of having my own website. I have attempted to make several in the mid-to-late 2000s on Geocities and Freewebs, but none went nearly as far as this has. I first went online briefly in the late 90s. My mom has been an eBay seller since then and used to buy me imported Pokemon merch. When I had time I went on websites like Luna's Sanctuary and other Yoshi websites, but it was very, very slow due to dial-up. I stopped going online for a few years because my parents sold the computer, until I moved out of the city and got a new household computer. A mix of terrible circumstances and discovering Neopets in 2002 has regrettably led being hooked to the screen for (probably) the rest of my life. Now everyone else is too...

HARDMACHINE was named after the song of the same name by PIG / Raymond Watts from the album Rise & Repent. I'm aware it doesn't fit the vibe of this website, but I initially squatted the name 5 months before I started coding and I don't want to break a million links by changing it.

(Click for lyrics)

You've been rehabilitated and rewired
Re-educated done what's required

My illness and my action
My fabulous attraction
My kerosene and candle
My gun without a handle

You're a hard machine to have
A hard machine to hold
A hard machine that hurts
Like the best machines you're cold

You're coming up and you beg for more
You're coming up and you're feeling sore
You're coming up like a broken ghost
You're coming up for your daily dose

You're a hard machine to have
A hard machine to hold
A hard machine that hurts
You're a hard machine that's cold
You're a hard machine to have
A hard machine to hold
A hard machine that hurts
And a hard machine that's cold

Your united hates will call
To the biggest hurt of all
While an empty debt is paid
In the tortured truth today

On a night train with the ever lose
Like a dull delightful spreading bruise
All my sins must be saved
I've got a God but I can't behave

You're coming up and you beg for more
You're coming up and you're feeling sore
You're coming up like a broken ghost
You're coming up for your daily dose

You're a hard machine to have
A hard machine to hold
A hard machine that hurts
You're a hard machine that's cold
You're a hard machine to have
A hard machine to hold
A hard machine that hurts
And a hard machine that's cold

I want a hard machine to have
A hard machine to hold
A hard machine to love
To do just what it's told

I want a hard machine
I want a hard machine
To do just what it's told
I want a hard machine
To do just what it's told
I want a hard machine

Contact me by e-mail or carrier rat (just drop a note in the sewer). If I sound like someone you'd want to talk to, the feeling is very likely mutual! I'm open to talking to most people who have good intentions, however youth who were around during Geocities or even before are more than welcome to contact. (I just don't post things like my Discord in public LOL) However, if you expect me me to change my core behavior, you're at least 15 to 20 years too late for that.

Blinkie Hoard

HM Mascot

Pst! Hey! Meet Harper Mouse - HARDMACHINE's accidental mascot! I was desperate for a favicon, and I fell in love with this reposted sprite I stumbled upon. Reverse-searching unfortunately didn't yield any results (looks like a Gameboy Color or 8-bit indie game), so I decided to borrow her until I find a source or if the original artist doesn't want her used. Harper is a sassy rat that enjoys popping in to interject with something, not unlike an annoying video game helper. You may notice that I identified her as a rat despite her name; Her parents were brainwashed by ratphobic propaganda and thought she'd live a happier life if she was considered a mouse. It didn't work, and now she's here to give the world a piece of her mind!

Important

When I'm a funny capybara in a zoo enclosure, I'm big and have light brown fur. I'm cheeky to visitors and faculty (they love it). I rattle the bars sometimes because it's funny and I do things so people can notice, since the enclosure is farther off. I can get along with or tolerate most other animals. I hope some silly animals will get transferred here!!! It's so boring. Sometimes I do a trick where I open a can of beer with my teeth and drink it.

When I'm a silly little field mouse running around, I'm tiny and can squeeze in places. I live in a mushroom cottage that my woodland neighbors helped me build, but I'm prone to traveling a lot. I sleep in flowers and collect berries when I leave home. I might be covered in pollen... Achoo! I was light brown but who can tell since pollen and berry juice doesn't fully wash out (I take showers in the rain or bathe in the creek).

When I'm a big yucky sewer rat, I'm fat and have dark grey fur with brown patches in places. I have a big pointy rat nose and a yucky tail that drags behind me when I walk. My voice sounds like a cartoon chain smoker and I smell like cheap greasy pizza. When someone notices my yucky rat belly I just slap it and do a "HUH HUH HUH" laugh.

When I'm a mutated lab rat that tortures scientists in revenge, I'm albino with a weird green glow and wear goggles. I'm human-sized and grew thumbs from the accidental mutation. I shrunk the scientists that tortured me and put them in a tiny cage to conduct experiments on.

When I'm a tiny hamster that sits in a shirt pocket and receives snacks, it's just that...not very interesting.